Dating and relating- experiencing healthy connections is something that is core to living a happy adult life.
Yet it's not so straightforward for many of us, dating and relating can be an absolute minefield and tricky to navigate for many.
What if we have childhood trauma, particularly around relating?
What if what we've learned about relationships was dysfunctional from the start?
What if our needs for love and attention were never met in a healthy way growing up, or we never learned healthy relating?
So now we've had a bad run; a string of failed relationships, we could be asking ourselves- how do I attract a healthy, loving relationship into my life?
Generally we have patterns in our lives, it is normal for us to experience the same situation in a different person or relationship over and over until we do the work to heal the imprinted pattern from childhood.
It is my view that the answer to attracting healthy love lies in healing the emotional body of childhood trauma patterns by regulating the nervous system.
Once we do this we see changes in how we feel, in how we act and react to the world around us,
Hence we begin to create a different pattern.
The subtle energetics of embodiment
With nervous system healing, the outcome is an increased ability to navigate our triggers and a sudden ability to self soothe the emotions,
Instead of having to try, we are suddenly and naturally able to just give ourselves what we need,
Instead of feeling empty and looking to the outside world to make us happy-
Instead of looking for other people to give us the feelings of contentment and satiation that we crave,
Suddenly self love and self care becomes easy, by healing the inner child, some people call this reparenting the self.
Through nervous system regulation we slowly and gradually are able to heal the inner child,
In doing so, we clear the emotional imprint of being abandoned that the body has always held as a subconscious memory,
We recondition the innate feelings of fear or grief that have always been normal to us,
Making us feel deep down that we will be abandoned, that there is something to fear in relating, that we cannot trust people, etcetera etcetera...
These emotions from our childhood wounds remain ever present in the body, often without our awareness,
These internal beliefs constantly inform us from behind the wings of the subconscious mind, causing our relating patterns.
Empty cup vs full cup
When we look to connect with others we generally come from one of two spaces, and it serves us well to analyse this internal pattern.
Am I connecting from a space of emptiness needing to be fulfilled, or fullness wanting to express and to connect?
There is a vast difference between the two and it is necessary to isolate and understand our subconscious impetus for connection and dating.
Someone who is happy, full, content- they radiate a feeling of warmth and expansion which is very attractive.
The subtleties of communication they employ feel attractive to others because they are already full of their own presence and their own energy,
They are not empty and pulling on the energy and the emotions of those around them,
When someone is operating from an empty cup, a needy space- they are looking to the energy of those around them and requiring others to meet them and give them energy, in order for them to feel full and content,
Which repels healthy love and only is a match for others with needy and dysfunctional behaviour.
This approach only gives way to unhealthy union where both people are feeding on the energy from the other, and they end up draining one another.
Someone who feels empty, they communicate in a certain way, they are contracted inside, so their communication style and presence has a subtle energetic pull, rather than a warm expansiveness, which is felt subconsciously by those you relate to.
Psychologists know that the majority of communication is non verbal.
There are many cues that we pick up on subconsciously, and as an energy healer and a sensitive I know that there are also energetic subtleties; emotional subtleties that can be felt- just from thinking about that person.
So with nervous system healing which is done primarily through breath work, presence and somatic work,
Through the gateway of the breath and the body-
Gradually over time we are able to heal the wounded inner child, hence reprogram the subconscious mind,
We are suddenly able to self soothe and give ourselves what we need, what feel we lack, and what we look for in others.
Moving through dissociation into embodiment
So what is it that we need? Sometimes it's as simple as listening to the body's cues for nourishment or rest.
Or sometimes it's deeper and more complex as giving ourselves love, respect, presence, understanding.
The ability to listen to the body's cues and give ourselves the daily attention and care moment to moment is not something that naturally and easily comes to us unless we are embodied.
When we are embodied it means to reside within your own body; to have a level of cultivated presence within your own flesh and blood four walls; to be PRESENT in the here and now.
Many of us live up in the space of the head, the thought realm.
Dissociation is the opposite of embodiment;
Dissociation is when we are never really there- sensing and noticing the specifics of our surroundings; because we are not really residing within the presence of the body.
We are instead analysing, overthinking, yearning for something or someone, distracting ourselves with technology, and running the old wounded child inner program-
Of the hunger for love.
We've always been hungry for love, because our needs were not met as a child and so that feeling of emptiness, of loneliness pervades into adult life and we are programmed to search for love from that wound imprint.
We are unable to be present and embodied, hence give ourselves love, and so we constantly feel empty, and we look for love outside of ourselves, in people, places and things.
It is very difficult to be present in the here and now, life fucks us up, we all have trauma.
And we simply cannot be present in the body when the body is stuck in a pattern of the past, when the body is carrying the heavy weight of these emotions that become imprinted through our own individual traumas.
It is a life's work to undo and reprogram the inner wounded child.
Learning to be present and embodied is the key to so much in this life,
When we do so through nervous system healing we condition the physical body to be able to receive the present moment in a functional, healthy and joyful way- which makes relating easy.
Healing the nervous system occurs through the gateway of the body, not counselling or talking, we have to drop into the frequency of the body in order to change it.
Breath work and somatic work is the fastest way to clear the subconscious of trauma and wounding.
When we clear the subconscious a new self identity is formed, triggers dissipate, functional, healthy ways of relating come naturally to us and our level of presence and self worth increases dramatically.
And as always - keep breathing, keep moving, keep feeling.