My somatic breath work journey
I am 192 days in to guiding myself intuitively through a powerful, transformational somatic breath work journey,
It has been a very important phase of my healing journey, and the main way I have almost properly adjusted a lifetime of chronic dis regulation of the nervous system.
Since October of 2018 I have been doing the deep work to save my own soul and genetic expression from a life time, or life times of spiritual sickness,
Within the last three years or so, I have cleared layer upon layer of trauma held in both the body, and the psyche - from this life and prior ones, like many of us doing the deep spiritual work here on Earth today.
There was deep patterning within my subconscious; of suppression, of oppression, and trauma, which caused my body and psyche to exist, for most of my life in a state of perpetual contraction away from the source of life itself.
Layer upon layer of emotional blockages in the cells of my body- constantly informing my actions and reactions from the seat of the subconscious mind-
Somewhere I was not- prior to the past few years able to access, nor change- without these tools.
Before somatic breath work...
I used energy healing, conscious self connection, meditation and prayer daily-
Allowing myself to be guided by a conscious, and all pervasive light which is both part of me and also separate from me.
And yet during the course of this healing journey I had always been acutely aware of my breathing not being optimal.
For most of my life I often felt gripped at the ribcage, like I couldn’t take in a full exhalation.
My upper chest would often click in various places around the intercostal muscles, and the handful of doctors I had seen could never detect a physical problem,
I was resigned to attribute the fact I could barely ever properly breathe, particularly during some pretty dark years of my life, to some kind of state of anxiety.
I remember purposefully getting drunk pretty much daily I would say, when I was in my early 20’s just so that my body could relax enough to be able to have the sensation of easy breathing.
Since the start of my healing journey the words “the breath is the life” resounded often in my mind, and I knew that correcting my breath was the gateway I would need to unlock at some point.
When I had my spiritual awakening and began working with subtle energy, with all my yoga and my pranayama,
All my devotional practice, my Bhakti, and with my understanding of the energetics of chi flow in the body, and the power and importance of breath as prana, as life force itself-
For much of my life I could barely even breathe.
They say that grief sits on the lungs.
I believe that my anxiety, breathing issues and energetic contraction in my psyche and cells of my body,
Which also manifested as internal yoni numbness, blocks to pleasure and chronic illness of the reproductive system that I suffered with from the age of 21- and which I have now cured- are all connected,
I attribute it all to the the state of contraction away from life that was a deeply engrained trauma response,
Seeded psychologically; hard wired into my neural network in utero, and perpetuated throughout many of my life experiences,
During my incubative period in the womb I could hear and feel aggression and fighting in the home I was due to arrive in.
Furthermore, my formative years were typified by patterns of deep abandonment and a lack of safety Earth side,
And who is to entirely rule out the oppression and abuse within my ancestral lineage- both recent and further back...
Ancestral memory and the collective awakening
I recalled once in a deep meditation, a life in ancient Mesopotamia, it was the time of the subjugation of the divine feminine; the beginning of the transition from matriarchy to patriarchy.
Matriarchal cultures have existed in times and places throughout history, and generally can be typified by an equal social- political -religious system,
Reverence for the sacred sexual essence of life itself, and the polarity that exists within us all.
These were times of male and female political and spiritual leaders,
There was a systemic understanding and respect for the Divine Mother as a bridge of celestial heart centred love for humanity .
And the essence of the feminine was worshipped as a source of life itself.
The 4,000 female deities traceable in many cultures throughout history bare testament to this.
This ideal was systematically bred out of collective thinking, in many places over a few centuries,
When women were burned and hung, and drawn and quartered for gathering herbs and healing with their hands.
We are the end result of all that has come before us- both genetically and energetically.
Our bodies are encoded with it all, and in some subconscious place, we remember.
A complex history of DNA is present within us, all coming from a lineage,
We are our ancestors children, and we are the fore bearers of our descendants.
It has always been us, and it is always going to be us.
This is the time of clearing the density of pain and heavy emotion from the vibrational field of the physical body, in order to activate the light body-
Your healing and creative powers, and your oneness with divine source.
There was a separation from our sense of personal divinity that we have lived through in the last few thousand years, and we carry the memory of this history in the genes.
It is all encoded and expressed within the body, right here and right now within this moment.
These are the things we are collectively healing through today, it was never going to be easy...oh but the reward is the return to our sovereignty.
I grew up in London and that city fucked me up so hard and would have swallowed me whole had I not escaped to the golden, gum tree lined shores of Eastern Australia spontaneously at the age of 27, my Saturn return.
I hadn’t menstruated properly since the age of 21, I had been fucked up and taken advantage of too many times to count.
I only knew love and relationship as toxic abuse patterns, and I smoked and drank like a trooper for most of my life, in order to push down, to swallow, to not feel, and to numb my deep internal pain.
Over the course of my life my mind became fragmented through these various types of abuse and trauma,
My consciousness no longer resided in my body because of the pain associated with presence,
Instead there was a constantly over active mind, a disconnection from, and a discomfort within my physical place in the world,
This is what trauma does- it causes dissociation.
During the somatic breath work leg of my healing journey, I have had many suppressed and forgotten memories come back to me,
When you go deeply into a space of body awareness, feeling into the layers of emotion/ energy/ consciousness of which you are comprised, synonymous cerebral images and impressions, regarding the past and the inner workings of your mind and make up come to you;
Memories and understandings arise seemingly out of no where, as you access and release the pain associated to that part of you, that part of your body and that part of your journey.
Its been definite dots joining and lightbulbs illuminating- why I am the way I am, or why I have been the way I have been.
Like a coming back together after being fragmented,
A reintegration of parts of self to form a more solid self identity,
Along with an increased ability to become present and embodied in the physical-
Exactly where I want to be because this is where joy resides.
Honestly thank fuck for that, just in time for my 40th birthday.
It was on July 16 2022 that something clicked and I started breathing authentically for the first time in my life-
I allowed my breath to become the vehicle for the sadness and hurt that sat inside my body,
After 3 minutes of conscious breath work I felt a layer shift, and a deep release.
The mirror reflected back on that day, a face five shades lighter,
Not in colour or tone but in luminance, and eyes that shone noticeably brighter.
Day after day since July 16 I have breathed and moved through the sadness and trauma that has gripped my physical expression.
Every day since July 16 has looked different, because each day I have listened to and been led by the energy and emotion present within my body,
As is with energy healing and somatic breath work alike.
Everyday breathing and moving and feeling through each layer,
As though this is just how we live now...
Purging, releasing, clearing, and integrating…
Witnessing the emergence of a new awareness,
While effortlessly, the limiting beliefs that I previously felt at the whim of-
Are rapidly disappearing-I used to feel so blocked.
It has been an entire lifetime of a chronically dis regulated nervous system,
And I know these things are gradual, like the tide rather than an on / off switch,
But I truly believe that somatic breath work is the most accessible tool for deep healing of the nervous system,
You don’t need to be “spiritual” and you don’t need to meditate, all you need is the breath, the body and some time and self attention.
The breath is life, it is spirit-
Connected to all things, and as the wind blows, so your love reaches as far.
We can heal ourselves and change the world with intentional breath.
Love, Aysha xx